I have developed flush-resistant poos.

Not sure whether this has any bearing on my current situation, but I thought I'd share.

posted at 5:58 PM •

Cynicism and stories - there's a conspiracy out there, but not the one that you're told to believe. Lizards aren't in control of the country. Diana wasn't killed by the Queen and MI5. The WTO does not feed third-world babies hiv infected crack.

There is no great intelligence in control of everything, but everything is controlled. A savage, cynical conglomerate of signifiers and impulse bought mobile phone novelty flashing santa hats telling you that the truth is out there.

My ace life is beginning to feel like one of the Choose-Your-Own Adventure stories I loved as a teenager. We need to feel that we are in control of our own destiny, but hate anything which smacks of pre-destination. We need to look back on our lives and see the sprawling mess of connections and missed connections as a neat and tidy happily ever after fairytale.

Boy meets boy, boy loses boy, boy falls apart.

So where do I want to go today? How will my new Microsoft™ Windows™ XP™ operating system help to take the pain of finding out that the man I loved for five years actually really didn't know what the word love meant? I have a choice at the moment - but why would I choose anything but the life I have?


Your callous hateful ex walks out on you after five years and you never see him again...

if you want to rebuild your life, sort out your finances, get over the bastard, leave the pub, stop taking large quanities of drugs, sort out your health, stop losing weight, stop crying at every fucking trivial piece of cynical marketing yet not shedding a tear over the thought of your total lack of hope or wellbeing - turn to page 16.

if you want to keep falling, working seven days a week, crashing on monday evening and not waking up until 11am three hours late for work, spiralling into an ever-increasing orgy of self-destruction because "that will show the bastard" - turn to page 19.

posted at 1:35 PM •

OK, I've decided to try posting weekly for a while, see how it goes.

Feeling sexed up and creeped out here by Britney and Madonna. It's lesbian incest porno, and I feel sullied. M's grizzled chicken flesh body is rasping against B's peachy perky mouseketeer breasts in my head and I need to shower.

The start of the week was a post-party emotional hangover. Singledom sucks for a gay man - especially if you haven't got the firm plumped pecs of a porn star circuit stud. Plus I'm nowhere near over John - got a long way to go before potential dates/shags don't run a mile sensing my rebound aura spikiness.

Finding opening up is getting hard these days - which is maybe a reason why the return to blog is so difficult. Working in the pub has thickened my skin somewhat - having to deal with pissed up queens does that to you. So, it's the usual Bahhhwbra Windsor style recipe of tough crusty exterior/squishy mess interior barwench. Went out with work colleagues last night, and had a bit of a connecting chat with one of them, which felt incredibly awkward. Yeah, hi, I'm an emotional wreck, lost everything in the last two years, blah, blah, put a brave face on, smile, yawn, fart. It's just not like it used to be.

But work is really putting a happy spin on things. I did something this week I'd not done in ages - went to bed looking forward to going to work in the morning. I still can't get up in the mornings though, which is a bit of a problem. I've been getting really decent sleep, but totally unable to get up with my alarm. I think it's a reaction to the stress, or lessening of it in the last couple of weeks. Less stress = body wants to go into hibernation.

Well, it's nearly the weekend now, and I've got three packed days of working in the pub and probably getting up to no good. Catch you next week!

posted at 10:22 AM •

I've been trying to decide for the last couple of days whether to come back - and the jury is still out on the matter.

I've been flat-out in the three or four months since I stopped blogging, but things are just starting to settle down since I got a new full-time web development job last week. It's very much early days yet, and I'm feeling very post-stress - sleeping constantly, I have a terrible cold and I'm feeling a bit low in general.

I'm not going to go on right now, just wanted to dip my toe in the water and see how it felt. My life is completely unrecogniseable from when I started the blog nearly a year ago, and I don't know whether it fits in with my lifestyle now - I've had to grow up a lot in the last few months, and I just don't have as much time to sit and reflect on things any more.

Still...some of the stuff I could tell you about the stuff that i've been through.

posted at 10:06 AM •