I hate the way being gay takes over your whole life.

OK, that's a fairly loaded sentence, and I know there are those is the audience would argue that it doesn't have to - there is a choice, and really shouldn't it just be a part of who you are - a gay person rather than 'A Gay'.

My experience in life is that it's impossible to lead a "normal" (whatever the hell that means) life and be gay. I'm starting to sympathise more with the ex-gay crowd - religious and moral arguments to one side, why would anyone want this lifestyle?

I'm tired of the way it takes over your life - tired of the choice between living in an urban area where I at least have a chance of meeting other gay people or living near my family where there is practically none.

I'm tired of seeing guys I fancy at my workplace and not be able to even make the slightest of moves. Would it be the same if I was straight? At least I would be able to deal with the rejection or whatever, at least I could go out with my work colleagues and have a drink, without feeling like an outsider.

---------------------

As you can probably tell, my good mood is over. Last week was a disaster, and more so because I should have been happy that finally, after 18 months of struggle, the mortgage is now in my name. Finally no longer tied to John, and back on a financial even keel.

I should be happy, but I'm left feeling tired, lonely, unhappy and lost.

posted at 1:08 PM •

Ella & Lewis.

posted at 10:35 AM •

posted at 12:29 PM •

Preface: Steve is mildly pissed.

OK, weird day. Even by my standards.

Mortgage seems to have completed today. I'm too scared to log on to my online banking to see the figure under my accounts - it's just too monumentous. Is this the end of all I've been working towards the last year and a half?

Halfway through the day, boss hands me tickets for celebrity premiere of Robots. Which I just attended. Walking down the red carpet - the other side of the barriers, facing down paparazzi in work scruffs. Brief talk by Ewan McGregor & Jim Broadbent. Fairly crap film with very casting of odd voice talent (Terry Wogan and Cat Deeley being two) that I later discover has been regionalised for the UK market.

After-show party attended by industry, beautiful people wannabe-chavs, eurtorash, and disappointed looking paparazzi. No slebs.

Walking home, working through the last two years in my life and realising that two important lessons have just crystallised in my mind. First - learning what it means to be a big fish in a small tree. Working in a bear pub was never gonna work, folks. I may be a smart fishy, I may be a (self-deprecation to one side for a second) quite good looking fishy, but I was trying to catch a bird. It just wasn't gonna happen.

Second thing I've learned lately - well, actually re-learned - is how to giggle. And I've been giggling like crazy - I've even gotten myself a bit of a reputation for it - "oh, there goes Steve again".

It's been all go over the last couple of days. On top of all of this I've just discovered how to download full porn films over the net. Life couldn't be better.

posted at 12:22 AM •

7lb 11oz - happy now?

Sis went into labour approximately 5pm and baby was born approximately 10pm, so yep, a relatively quick delivery. Mandy chose a fairly natural birth, sticking to gas and air - although she says this time was more painful than the first.

She's now experiencing after-pains - something she was unprepared for but the midwife says are a normal as "all her bits move back into place". Apparently they're more common with second (and I presume subsequent) pregnancies.

Baby is fine - a little jaundiced apparently, but sis says he just looks like he has a nice suntan. Bless.

Names were narrowed down to Kyle (blech) or Lewis - and happily they've gone with the latter...


...and I am a very proud Nuncle.

posted at 12:14 PM •

The answer was - my back garden.

Bit of a let-down perhaps - it was my weekend homework set by Mrs Witch, who is planning a Ground Force style makeover of the wasteland out the back of my flat. There's a picture of it here - I took some more photos of it yesterday, but it'll be a day or so before I get them ready to upload. It really hasn't changed that much since last year - everything is a little more overgrown, and there's an interesting hole at the far right corner. An interesting fox-shaped hole that I filled in yesterday. By myself. With a real spade and everything.

The cat doesn't seem to go out in the back garden much at the moment and I think it's because he's scared of the foxes. I really need to sort that out for both our sakes. His lounging around the house pestering for food act is getting really annoying.

posted at 11:17 AM •

What's 26 feet long and 8 and a 1/2 feet wide?

posted at 2:37 PM •

We are an Uncle. Again.

Nephew this time - mother and baby doing just fine.

posted at 10:14 PM •

My sister just went into labour - in a couple of hours I'll have a new niece or nephew!

posted at 7:05 PM •

Well, seeing as I'm being a total geek...

Doctor Who.

I'm cautious to say that I've seen it, seeing as there's a right old row brewing over the leak of the first episode onto the internet. If I had seen it, I'd tell you that, well, it's not that bad. If I had seen it, I'd probably think that Christopher Eccleston makes quite a good Doctor, and I'd probably think that Billie Piper as yet isn't showing much promise.

I'd probably think that she'll hopefully improve as the series goes on, but at the moment she's hovering dangerously close to Bonnie Langford and Sophie Aldred.

I imagine that if I had seen the episode, "Rose", I'd think on the whole they've gone back to the roots of Doctor Who rather than trying to revamp it for a modern audience. And that's the biggest problem here - if you revamp it the die hard fans complain - if you leave it as it is people will snigger at it.

posted at 10:19 AM •

This geek thing shows no sign of letting up. Concerns have been voiced in various camps of my growing addiction to World of Warcraft. I, for one, am not too distressed by the fact that lately I've been spending all my free time in a virtual world filled with orcs and gnomes.

One of the beauties of the game design is that you don't necessarily have to spend hours playing the game to get anywhere. You can get a couple of things done in half an hour - spot of arms trading, bit of killing - so I've been having a quick play first thing in the morning before I go to work. This morning I killed a few Kobolds - nasty horrible wolf-like humanoids. I couldn't quite manage them all myself, even with the help of my pet bear, called - um - Cuddlekins, so I teamed up with a nearby lady Dwarf, who was a bit of a mean bitch with a longsword.

Before you ask, there was no hanky panky involved. The greatest state of undress you can reach is down to your underpants (I've checked) - so no chance of nookie.

Look, it's keeping me out of mischief, and I'm not spending money. As far as I'm concerned, that's a result.

posted at 10:25 AM •

Feeling very 'spring-ish' today, and for the first time in three years things are looking bright.

I should get a date for completion of my remotgage pretty soon, and everything is starting to fall into place. Once the remortgage is complete, the flat will be 100% mine, and I'm getting a big lump of equity that's going to massively sort out my financial situation.

It's a far cry from a year ago, or two years ago. I realised the other day that what I've gone through in the last three years has been a test of my character, and that it's these times that I will look back on and have the most memories from. Well, perhaps the memories won't be so clear considering how much I tried to fry my brain, but I certainly managed to pack a lot into the last three years.

Anyway - I should be looking forward, not back. The past is done, and what lies ahead...

posted at 3:55 PM •

I should be in a great mood. Lovely weekend meeting up with these chaps on Friday night - then two days of playing World of Warcraft. Lovely restful two days of not really doing very much but feeling very calm and serene. Even having to speak to My Twat Ex on Sunday didn't ruffle my feathers very much, as he's finally sent the signed transfer papers to my solicitor - although he somehow forgot to contact me and let me know.

So what's the problem? Why am I not in a good mood?

Because at 4am this morning, a f**king fox in heat was screaming it's f**king lungs out in a neighbours garden and woke me up. It carried on wailing like a banshee for a good 5 minutes before I decided I couldn't take it anymore. Banging on my window didn't seem to have much effect, so I put my dressing gown on & went out into the back garden. After unsuccessfully trying to scare it away by banging a wooden spoon on a saucepan (it seemed like a good idea at the time), I got a torch and started chucking stones at the beast.

Eventually it decided it had better move, and it jumped down into the neighbours garden whereupon there was an almighty screeching and yowling from a cat, followed by scrabbling of claws on wooden fences.

It took me about 20 minutes to get back to sleep, half expecting the animal to start wailing again in her search for hot cock. Being woken up in the middle of a lovely REM cycle by fox porn is not my idea of fun.

Oh, and next thing it'll be fox cubs - and if you've never heard a fox cub wailing at 3am, you haven't lived - they sound like babies being strangled.

Bring back fox hunting!

posted at 1:04 PM •

With everything going on in my ace life, I just haven't had time to bring you any comments on things that really matter. I've been flat out busy the last couple of weeks sorting my shit out and getting my head stuck into work (I built a tracking system in PHP on to mysql database that I'm rather proud of) and getting stuck into killing goblins (actually kobolds, orcs and the like, but I simplify for self-deprecating comedic effect).

Anyway, there's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear. At least it is for poor Katie Price (real name, um, Katie Price aka Katie Price-Andre aka Jordan).

I've had one eye on the Eurovision song selection this year and although I've not heard any of the songs it was beginning to look like we had some quite strong contenders. The result I hear this morning is the usual triumph of blandness that I've come to expect from British taste.

So, we're sending in another Pop Idol reject. What is it with you people? The idea is not to send in the best song, or act - it's to send in the best song or act that stands out against a throng of gurning eurotrash showoffs. For god's sake - we could have sent in Jordan!? She would've been a sure fire contender - Jordan, heavily pregnant, bleached, tanned, huge boobs, trash-o-rama sequinned costume. The germans at least would have shit themselves.

I really give up. What is it about Brits that makes them love failure so much?

posted at 8:47 AM •

The new washing machine arrived on Tuesday - delivered almost on time by Comet. So much for the little idiot at Tescos electrical retail telling me that I wouldn't get it from anywhere else.

I say it almost arrived on time, but in fact the delivery people were half an hour late, which meant I couldn't get to a press junket for upcoming film Kingdom of Heaven. It was only preview clips of the film, but also a Q&A session with director Ridley Scott.

Gold star for Comet though, as I phoned to tell them the delivery was late and they automatically told me they would refund the delivery charge.

Slightly annoying that I had neglected to click a tiny box indicating that I wanted my old machine taking away, so they didn't. Again, points for Comet, as I phoned up and (fingers crossed) they should be taking away my old machine today. My old machine that I somehow managed to lug downstairs and leave the the front yard all by myself. I rock.

So, sorting things out this week. I had my final counselling session with Ash - who had decided to commemorate the event by dressing up as Benny from Crossroads' slightly hunky younger brother - complete with tank top and Benny hat.

Mildly distracting to have to report back on the last month (drug-free) while he flaunted his tattoed and quite toned shoulders. Ah well, this won't be the first therapist I've fallen in lust with (actually it's the second).

The insurance claim is moving along - this week I took it upon myself to subvert the three companies handling the claim very slowly and telephoned the other party's insurers directly. After a bit of dicking around and having to be uncharacteristically assertive I actually started to get somewhere.

The most staggering thing I've discovered is what he does for a living. The lying piece of shit asshole dickhead driver is a DRIVING INSTRUCTOR! Anyway - it is starting to look like his insurers have realised he's lying through his teeth, and they've told me he has 14 days to reply to the witness statement I've produced, and even so they may choose at this point to disregard his statement.

More fingers crossed please folks.

posted at 3:23 PM •